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News Item: Further White House Charges Against Clarke
posted 03/28, by kent wicker (viewed 6756 times) | Scope : National
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(Washington – WPM) Yesterday, the Bush Administration added several new charges in its ongoing campaign to discredit former White House terrorism advisor Richard Clarke. In a briefing yesterday morning, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan accused Mr. Clarke of hiding the truth. “The only reason Mr. Clarke has had such an impeccable reputation for integrity is that the American people were unaware of several rather disturbing facts,” said McClellan, “or at least suppositions.”

According to McClellan, during the 19 years Clarke lived in Potomac, MD, he received two speeding tickets from the Maryland State Patrol. “Does this sound like a man who respects the law?” asked McClellan. Furthermore, Clarke once “mistakenly” included his county garbage fees as part of his county taxes in calculating his Federal deductible. And a recent audit of Clarke’s former White House office revealed that there are half a dozen legal pads, a box of rubber bands and two boxes of those really big binder clips still unaccounted for.

During his years in the Bush White House, Clarke allegedly spoke – and actually listened to -- several people who were known by the CIA to be card-carrying members of the Democratic Party. “While fraternizing with such people is not technically illegal until Patriot Act III,” said McClellan, “And while I certainly would not impugn Mr. Clarke’s long record, I’ll just note that we also have witnesses who can vouch that Mr. Clarke has, on several occasions in the past, eaten – and enjoyed -- French cuisine.”

According to Clarke’s Fourth Grade teacher, 89-year-old Penelope Parsons, who was led to the podium by McClellan, Clarke once said a naughty word. “Of course, we all just called him ‘Richard’ then,” said Mrs. Parsons before being led away again.

During his years in the Bush White House, Clarke was known to have changed his mind on at least three separate occasions when presented with new evidence that contradicted his previous theories. “Such weakness,” said McClellan, was immediately noticeable, since our usual approach here is to make the facts fit the theory. Mr. Clarke lacked that moral fiber.”

In an interview later in the day, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice added even more serious charges against Mr. Clarke. “I am most definitely not claiming that Mr. Clarke is a Chinese spy who is attempting to spread disease in this country for his own twisted and disloyal purposes," said Rice, “But I do want to call attention to the extremely strange co-incidence that avian flu – the same avian flu that devastated several poultry farms in Delaware recently -- entered the United States the very same month that Richard Clarke returned from meeting with other anti-terrorist experts abroad.

Rice continued. “Also, I am also not yet claiming that Mr. Clarke is in league with aliens from the planet Retepnu who are planning the enslavement and torture of all humans. But I’ll note that Mr. Clarke has produced absolutely no evidence to the contrary.”

“Further, I am not claiming, at this time, that Mr. Clarke has sex with barnyard animals before then killing them in cruel pagan rituals," said Ms. Rice. “Nor am I claiming that Mr. Clarke sold his soul to the very Devil himself, nor that all virgins in Mr. Clarke’s vicinity are in imminent danger of being sexually assaulted, killed and eaten with fava beans. I will merely note that, when Mr. Clarke moved out of his office, a large blood-stained pentagram was found burned into the floor near his desk.”

“Finally, our photo experts are still piecing things together,” continued Rice, “But they tell us there is a very good chance that we may soon know the true identity of the figure on the grassy knoll who shot President Kennedy.”

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